I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
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