I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Wanna churn butter with me?
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
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