I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Don't worry, bee happy!
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
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