How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Don't get tide down.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
All punts are highly intended
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
How hot does your gas oven get?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
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