What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
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