There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Tis the sea-sun.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
I love you meow and forever.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
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