How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
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