Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.

Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!

What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.

Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?

"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown

I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."

Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.

You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.

I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!

I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh

Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?

Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

So how many cats do you have?

The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.

“Monday again? Is it every week now?”

What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox

Hello Boo-tiful.

Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.

I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?

What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.

Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.

How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?

The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!

What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!

How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.