What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
You octopi my thoughts.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Love at frost sight!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
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