You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
I think we're mint to be!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
Go to BabaMail
