You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
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