I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
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