“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
I like you a lily bit more every day.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
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