What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
I want to stretch with you.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
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