What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Icy what you did there.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
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