“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
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