My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
I wanna bob for your apples.
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