Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
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