I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
You're hotter than a data center!
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
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