What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Nathan compares to you
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
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