Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
I'd start a revolution for your number.
You're such a TEAse.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
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