Shave a single shingle thin.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Sips getting real.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
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