The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
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