Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Icy what you did there.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
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