Do you need some encourage-mint?
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
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