Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
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