After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
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