Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
You are one well-defined function!
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I think you're mer-mazing.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
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