"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
That was thaw-some!
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I sulfur when you argon.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
Can I be Candide with you?
Go to BabaMail
