“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
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