What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
One should always practice what they peach.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I “lub” you.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
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