The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
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