What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
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