A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Honestly, I really lilac you.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
You have a pizza my heart.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
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