My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
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