What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”

You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.

It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.

When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.

What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.

What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.

I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel

Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!

When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.

Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.

I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.

So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!

Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.

There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.

Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.

What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.

Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.

Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.

Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...

This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I sulfur when you argon.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!

I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.