What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
I can't let it be until I get your number.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
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