Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
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