What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
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