When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Bob Monkhouse

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”

Six slimy snails sailed silently.

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.

What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”

The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.

I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?

If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.

If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers

They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.

What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.

"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt

Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!

What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!

What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings

I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.

Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!

My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.

Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.

I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”

“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.

Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.

A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.

Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.