What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
Want to go for a ride?
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
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