“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Rudder valve reversals
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
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