I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
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