What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
I really like you. So does my wife.
I think you’re dandelion.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
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