It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
"You make me egg-static."
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Go to BabaMail
