What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
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