What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
If you were here, Abby all over you
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Football is one habit I will never kick
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Just brew it!
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
You are so right. And I am so left.
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