Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous

You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.

My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.

Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!

I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.

Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.

How do fish get high?
Seaweed.

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown

How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.

What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

I think you’re pretty Stella-r

Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.

What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.

Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.

I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.

Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.

He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"

"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”

Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

All stereos are so typical.

How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?

Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!

I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.

I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.

“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown

Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.