“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.

I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.

What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."

Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.

How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.

Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad

Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.

What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.

How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?

It remains in neutral.

How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.

"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."

I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.

In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

"I mead more wine."

Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.

If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.

"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.

Is this seat saved? Because I am.

Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!

Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph

Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

You're so clover!

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?

What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.

What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.