Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
You feta have a gouda birthday.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
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