Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
I think I found my perfect match
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
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