I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
We were mermaid for each other.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
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