I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
"I don't tan. I burn"
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Burst into cheers!
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
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