It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

"Another glass? Wine not?!"

“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.

Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.

Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.

What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"

What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.

Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.

You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.

What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!

One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.

I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause

“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”

What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."

What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!

If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.

Do you find bone puns humerus?

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.

If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"