Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Please, please me
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
I can be your travel pillow.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
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