Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
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