“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti

Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!

My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!

The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.

What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.

Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.

My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".

What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound

“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships

People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!

What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.

Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.

How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"

What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship

What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.

I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.

How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”

What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.