Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
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