We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
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