“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
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