You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
It's lit.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I want you. I knead you.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
It’s party thyme.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
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