Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
You looked better when I was drunk.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
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